Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
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[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
why no one uses midhusbands
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*