“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
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What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
Basketball
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
This is not me but this is me
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?