5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
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Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
These infographics don’t work on me because my takeaway is always that 17 donuts isn’t as bad as I thought
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
How fast is milk?
It’s pasteurised your eyes before you know it….
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
Smallpox sounds so adorable
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your house or an almost empty one.
There’s no in-between.
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch