5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
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My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
The concept of warding off vampires with crosses is so interesting to me. I wonder if it applies to any other religion or if they’re allergic to just catholicism
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
I just squealed when I saw my daughter brought home 2 lost water bottles from school. This is my life now.
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.