Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste

GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?

[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]

ME: car his keys.

*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT

There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.

A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…

Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”

Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”

My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.

I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank

The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.

I guess she doesn’t remember me.

I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.

Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.

ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life

ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS

a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering

“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.

Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow

Does beer think about me too?

You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.

I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.

had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead

I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.

What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.

What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.

They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.

[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home

[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right

A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”

Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.

Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.

If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.

Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —

Satan: I have a girlfriend.