Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.

this is the best interaction on twitter

Coming out of the dressing room at a store…

Me: What do think?

Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.

Me:

Husband:

Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐

i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it

One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50

My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.

Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???

Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?

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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]

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I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.

what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones

Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.

Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.

*high fives my therapist*

“At least you tried.”

There is no “we” in chocolate.

My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.

a space alien in another galaxy opens a mysterious letter from the earth. as soon as he opens it a bunch of glitter falls out onto the floor. he slowly looks over at his friend, “okay, i’ve had enough of this. get into your spaceship & go destroy that planet.”

I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.

Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”

My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that

I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE

Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?

Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.

A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.

*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]

i may live alone but I keep the toilet seat DOWN in case a woman burglar needs to use it

First Date

Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.

Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*

All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.

waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone

“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.