5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
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“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
This is setting unrealistic beauty standards for men. We can’t all kill someone
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
Just remembered the time my ex’s southern Baptist grandparents in Oklahoma took us on a drive to get lunch and didn’t mention we were quickly stopping by an entire church service first. Gotta give it to them in retrospect