5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
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My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
“you changed” bro i was 15
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
Nothing infuriates me more than when I’m on my phone and something wants me to scan a QR code. With what Jan? With. What.
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
my teenager came out into the living room and is sitting here with me. Idk what to do. What’s happening. Is this the twilight zone? does he know he’s not in his room?
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.