5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
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Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
[Putting petrol in car]
１９.９５
１９.９６
１９.９７
[stops]
[gently now]１９.９８
[very gently]
１９.９９
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]３７.８３
GODDAMMIT
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
Calm down ma’am, the only other people that want your man is local Law Enforcement.
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
starting a garage orchestra
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
The 6 types of sex
I know VERY basic Japanese.
When I got to Japan, I tried a Japan exclusive Starbucks drink. My bf is allergic to nuts so in perfect Japanese I asked,
“does this have nuts in it?
The cashier said “ooh, nut allergy?” (In Japanese)
I responded…..
“Sí.”
…
I HAVE NO WORDS 😭
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.