50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
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[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
Corporate Email: To add professionalism to all company correspondence, please make sure to add a photo to your profile.
Me: Okay.
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
Jack: hello, beans
Beans: hello, Jack
-Jack and the beans talk