50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
You Might Also Like
seeing a lot of pretty girls tweet about being “created in a lab” which is weird bc i distinctly remember the day we all emerged from the depths of the lake together
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
this is uni
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
i choose….tongue
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
Not to brag, but my best yoga pose is awkward facing dog.
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.