50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
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am i feeling hopeful about the future?
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
If I ignore life will it go away?
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
