Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect

Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha

God *creates asteroids*

Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television

Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.

Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!

10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.

Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.

The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.

Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”

My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.

[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd

I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”

*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU

houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…

Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith

My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.

I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..

My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.

Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”

i will avenge u mr van gogh

JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex

ME: lol

JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby

ME: what

JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again

ME: stop

Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?

You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.

Me: *drops mic*

Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!

The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.

WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.

My exorcist thinks we should see other demons

Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour

Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.

Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.

Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.

Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?

Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]