50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
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Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
How often were people sneezing into salad bars before they invented the sneeze guard?
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
How did we not see this back then?
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
them: do you have big plans for the holiday weekend?
me: