50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
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Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
even bears disappoint their mothers
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.