Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*hears Christmas carolers*

Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.

8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good

Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby

8: not like before

Dear Cereal Makers,

Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?

[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”

Someone stole the C and L off my work besties door, which I guess was probably pretty predictable in hindsight…

[My cooking show]

Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.

Kevin: *crying*

Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.

*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*

Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM

I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.

When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.

[first day as a cashier]

*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.

Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.

I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.

*throws caution to the wind*

*blows right back into face*

ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98

ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me

If only

Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.

Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit

Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?

Is this a threat?

For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why

Me: I miss baseball

Umpire: Strike one!

Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.

Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.

As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.

[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”

Gallant is a goddamn psychopath.

I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?

*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-

What do you call a reluctant potato?

A hesitater.

i hope this email finds you fast and furious

jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?

me (hates gossip): no