Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.

That guy is a genius.

Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.

People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.

Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.

Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes

Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?

inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.

assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.

inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.

If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…

Maybe he’s not the only idiot.

I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.

[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean

when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:

Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.

Him:*laughs nervously*

Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial

In the bathroom:

Me: *Meticulously manscapes*

Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”

Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy

[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please

People who hate candy corn love telling you.

The fall of Netflix

Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”

i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around

We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”

I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀

Seven nuclear reactors just for this 😭

Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away

Me asks *my kid to do his home work*

My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?

I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.

I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.

passed a guy walking down the street video chatting someone but here’s a fun twist: he was doing it on a laptop

Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.

[first time at church]

me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups

For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.

*me carrying in all of the groceries

Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying

If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂

I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.