50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
You Might Also Like
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
On one hand, it’s terrible to not have access to the Internet, but on the other hand, it’s terrible to have access to the Internet.
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.