Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.

My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.

She has spoken more words today than I did in December.

Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer

I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.

I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.

The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.

People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles

Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.

My family gathered to speak to me about my obsession with the Greek gods. Call it divine intervention.

I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.

12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.

Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?

[karate class]

Sensei: break this board with your hands

Me: why can’t I use an axe?

Sensei: because I hate you

Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?

My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.

Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”

Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”

Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”

If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB

My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.

Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been

New mindset, who dis?

She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.

I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.

I can’t wheat to see her!

I’m in loaf.

[Quarantine, Day 5]

Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long

My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:

The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.

Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.

*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”

If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.

Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.

I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.

I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.

[plane about to crash]

him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.

me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.

Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.