50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
You Might Also Like
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
THIS IS A REAL BOOK R U SRS ???
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista