Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁

Losing 😲

My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.

The only occasions in which I will run:

– Zombie apocalypse

– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs

I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.

“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”

I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.

It was.

What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.

What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.

I lost my job at NASA Mission Control today. I misheard when they said, “It’s lunch time.”

EVERYBODY SHUT UP the plane they use to fly the horses from all over the world to the Olympics for the equestrian events is called AIR HORSE ONE

Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.

They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.

Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?

It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.

But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.

Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.

sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake

The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.

#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.

I was in the first Top Gun movie.

I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.

I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.

Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.

Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”

Day Two: Murder

LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore

CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*

I’m not saying my kid is lying about reading his homework book, but he does seem to think the character is called Wee Willy Wonka

Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!

Him : Which one?

Me : I only have one face, Carl.

There’s a couple that met at my wedding 2 years ago, I just found out they got married yesterday & I wasn’t invited…. Ungrateful people

I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.

Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.

Dearest Twitter,

Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.

*At the bar*

Me: What do you have on tap?

Bartender: Bud and Bud Light

Me: I’ll have a Coke.

I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.

There are really only two seasons:

soup
salad