50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
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I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
Industry heads warn the cost of airfare will continue to rise, at least if passengers keep whining about things like “doors falling off” and “having their luggage.”
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
When I face a minor setback
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
Do one person every day that scares you.
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
I open a fancy cigarette case and offer you a stick of beef jerky.
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history