50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
You Might Also Like
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
[fills dirty pan with water] I’m just gonna let this soak for an hour or 6 years.
-husbands everywhere
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.[buys a single banana]
87,000,000 fruit flies.
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
So good at ordering donuts my doctor is ordering me a special pill to take every morning.
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
Friend, at my first Pride: are you disappointed?
Me, dressed as a lion: no it’s fine
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
dan dan noodles… the food so nice they danned it twice. thanks for liking my posts