50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
You Might Also Like
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
No, I wasn’t dancing. I wore flowered leggings & got harassed by a bumble bee.
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
titanic
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
I’m so glad that I made the right financial decision in 2018 and ditched my $89/mo cable package so that I can now pay $83/mo for YouTube TV, $23/mo for Netflix, $16/mo for Disney+, $13/mo for Paramount, $15/mo for Prime, $10/mo for AppleTV, and $21/mo for HBO
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
on a walk around my neighborhood today i saw two houses across from each other with a “my neighbor is a karen” flag in their yard and i’m really interested if they hate each other or there’s a third neighbor who’s just a realllll b***h
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into