50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
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Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?
No, the cars are much faster.
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
I’m far enough into my kids’ summer camp that my clothes dryer is now just a sandbox
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
making my kids wear corduroy pants so they can’t sneak up on me
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.