Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

hello I’m britain’s greatest spy and my catchphrase is I tell you my real surname then my real forename then my real surname again in case you missed it

I’ve just taken a tablet that completely erases your memory of the last 24hrs.
What was I thinking?

Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.

front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree

My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.

The three genders.

Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!

Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.

I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one

inflation so bad pets are getting jobs

Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)

“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen

“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad

(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?

Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.

Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.

Lmao

It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”

I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.

I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!

Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that

My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.

Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along

[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”

Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.

Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.

*email from Amazon*

Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE

Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE

Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE

We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE

BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.

*logs onto Facebook*

*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*

*logs off forever*