50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
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When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
My father must be spinning in his grave, and not just because of that spinning device I had built into his coffin
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
I will eventually talk about something other than Cyberpunk, but they just gave me a quest to teach a vending machine to swear, so that won’t be today.
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
I can’t prove he’s involved (yet), but my 3yo has been obsessing over tow trucks for weeks and today we blew a tire 🧐 on nothing 🧐 for no reason 🧐
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
General: We need aerial support now!
Captain: *confused* I’m glad she had a happy ending, she deserved more than the ocean could give her sir!
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
[police questioning a friend about my murder]
Police: Did he have any enemies
Friend: Boy did he ever
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed