50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
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Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
I need to buy new window blinds, but I hate dealing with shady salespeople.
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
Babysitter: ooh! Got yer nose.
Voldemort: not cool
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
Thursday
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
The real reason evolution started..😂
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into first day of school: Everyone has Ebola.
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
Me: Do you have a Summer menu?
Waiter: We have a menu at all times of the year. Otherwise people couldn’t select food and beverage options.
Me:
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.