Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone

My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens

If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.

I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.

My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs

“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.

This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.

IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera

I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.

“Holy shit I’m a cat?”

It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.

*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges

Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800

My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.

“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.

I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience

*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog

NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house

Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.

I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.

*in court for murder*

I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.

According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule

Finally my winter fat has gone!

I now have spring rolls.

“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.

Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees

“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”

-guy who invented ketchup packets

The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord

Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?

I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.

I’m about to risk it all