Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’

I only wear my Rolex when I go to car dealerships to watch the salesmen fight over me

I’m too Shreksy for my shirt

Sitting outside of a bar re-reading the Hinge profile of the dude I’m about to meet like I’m cramming for a test

I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?

my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that

me: not today satin

I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”

I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”

My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.

No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.

Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.

Therapist: why’s that?

Me: I got a dog.

putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler

People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.

It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020

I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.

More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?

Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.

Me: Clive? What’s he done?

Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-

Me: What is going on?

Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.

Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.

Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.

I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente

When I grow up, I want to be 16

Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.

My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.

the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it

Dear BJ’s,

Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.

Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer

Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.

I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”

Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.

You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.

Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.