50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
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Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
my mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
I finally found a reason to live again.
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
These dogs look like they have good credit.
