Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog

Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather

[Earlier]

Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies

i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye

I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.

Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”

A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.

Today I walked out of the baseball complex carrying two Gatorades, a half-eaten snack, a 40oz Stanley and a 4yo, and the 4yo had the audacity to tell me to walk faster.

Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.

Parenting is fun lol

8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂

*first day as Robin Hood

“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”

ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice

HER: do you mind?!

ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*

If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.

*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.

My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”

And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.

The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.

911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed

*sees monster truck

*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork

Dearest Emma,

The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.

Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.

War is hell.

Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.

Plaintiffs and defendants should have courtroom entrance music like professional wrestlers

*Snowstorm on it’s way*

America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!

Canadians – better hit the beer store.

DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!

(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)

Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to

Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!

Wife: Talk to him

Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition

The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.

ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube

Once again not all heroes wear capes

5: I miss Mama’s food.

Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.

5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.

Me: oh.

5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.

My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood

If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.

sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet

4-year-old: Can I have some floss?

Me: You’re too little

4: But I really, really need it

Me: Fine. *gives her floss*

4:*ties up Barbies*

I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.