Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
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I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.