’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
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15mos are the cutest humans in the world but also the most boring. Girl, we’ve been putting this baby doll to bed for 23 mins, please
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
Let hot neighbour guy park his truck in my driveway, if ya know what I mean 😏😏
*I mean there’s construction on our street
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
I used to hate waiters until I realized they’re not just being nosy. They need to know what I want to eat so they can relay it to the kitchen staff
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
Piñatas are a fun way to intentionally maim the guests at your party.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
So we got a goldfish…
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.