’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
You Might Also Like
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
The Wolf of Wall Street.
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
I could have been a doctor but the game Operation made me think the inside of a human body was electrified for some reason.
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
If you’re thinking of having kids, last night I told my 5 year old what I made for dinner and he said “Ew, gross,” then three minutes later I caught him eating a booger.
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
the way she just yells ‘STOP IT!’ in a drive by telling off to the two riding goats as she runs past on her way to rescue the other one – I can’t breathe
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
I went to the dentist to get a crown put in. Told the hygienist I was there for my coronation. Then apologized for being the several hundredth person to say that. She said I was the first!
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye