’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
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The battle for ownership of the recliner between me & elder dog is becoming a blood match. Should I all of a sudden stop tweeting just know that I fought bravely.
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
Just a reminder: 3-year-olds like to be given a choice! When you’re getting ready to go, ask them “would you like to wear sneakers or sandals?” so that they feel INCLUDED and EMPOWERED to scream at the top of their lungs that they want to wear their Mickey Mouse bedroom slippers
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY