Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.

I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.

got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)

“baby on board” ok well can you tell him to drive faster

Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé

Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀

it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name

[Russian class]

Um, why did I fail this test?

Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…

I knowski.

I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.

What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?

A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.

I like to listen to the national anthems during the award ceremonies. I’m into country music.

Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!

Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.

Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.

Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.

Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.

Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*

SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-

ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS

SE: -on your sub?

ME: PUPPERONI

<first date>

Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*

Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*

My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.

I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges

i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday

I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.

when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table

Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.

I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me

The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.

This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.

Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.

[fire]

EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.

We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.