Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*

why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials

Date: wanna get out of here?

Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti

Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.

I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.

my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.

*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead

When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..

that.

“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”

“Get out of my hamper.”

An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it

Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.

Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came

Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready

Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?

[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T H

C R E

O D

W

Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.

Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.

Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?

I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.

I block people for being stupid.

…I block a lot of people.

Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.

Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in

Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America

No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom

I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”

Well, well, well. How the wheels on the bus have gone round and round.

My husband is a keeper.

No, that’s not the word.

Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.

The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.

[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]

“Ptequila, pthanks.”

[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it

Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.

a lot of my Olympics excitement is knowing I can’t do that.
the internet’s always like, “just start carving $100,000 marble! can’t be a sculptor if you don’t try!”
It’s nice watching some kid swim faster than a submarine while I snack, knowing I don’t have to compete with that

I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky

They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.