Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”

So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this

CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?

Me: Game of Prawns 🍤

i’ve never seen a McDonald’s or a Burger King under construction. they just show up.

Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?

Rhino: What’s in it for me?

Bird: I’ll warn you of danger

Rhino: I don’t have predators

Bird:

Rhino:

Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening

Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.

Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”

{Guidance counselor glares at them}

Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*

My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’

What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?

Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!

Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.

Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.

Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.

[comedy club]

GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?

TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it

me: wanna do something fun?

her: already have plans

me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different

Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.

My guide to NyQuil:

Name brand red: no horse in your head

Store brand green: a horse will be seen

The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.

I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.

Time magazine should have a Worst Person of the Year

every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car

The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.

Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.

Just not with each other, obviously.

townsfolk: you should come to the festival

me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?

townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?

me: oh i’m going regardless

I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy

Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?

Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high

I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.

Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.

No one:

Absolutely no one:

Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume

Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read

I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.