Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!

FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones

ME: i don’t

Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.

me, late night cleaning: I am an adult woman

also me: I am not opening the blinds to clean the patio door because murderers

BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.

All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.

Dear Neighbours,

“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.

“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”

“Depends. Into what?”

Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.

When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.

I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!

i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore

I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!

[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*

Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.

My so-called “friends” have asked that I stop referring to them that way.

I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.

Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato

My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample

me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit

her: that’s not so bad

[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luck

her: I see

The sales guy kept pushing, though I’d already said “No”, many times. So I shouted, “Non!” “Net!” “Nein!”

But he wouldn’t take No foreign answer.

I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.

I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.

Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself

Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!

*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good

My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits

Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?

Interviewer: “…”

Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”

My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”

Me: I should sleep.

Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.

Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.