Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving

I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.

Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra

All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.

*Rap battle*

Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.

My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭

Woke up with morning Yule Log

I saw God in a dream and all he did was brag about making Pedro Pascal

I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.

(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany

My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”

[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie

Taco Bell, Exit 22

They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update

You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.

Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday

I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards

captain: hand in your gun

me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger

Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.

People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.

I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂

Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?

Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times

Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this

Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it

He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.

Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.

Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.

HER: Boxers or briefs?

ME: Depends

HER: Really? But you look so young.

im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat

“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was

the trade off from turning 50 is you cant see letters up close but you can spot idiots from miles away

(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.

Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re

S: Oh ffs!