Celebrities are so rich because they save money every time they attend a movie premiere for free.
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
You Might Also Like
By the time I catch up with a joke format, I’m like a baker trying to sell yesterday’s doughnuts.
I find it really annoying that eating food doesn’t heal wounds like I was led to believe as a kid. Damn Nintendo.
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol