50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.

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Celebrities are so rich because they save money every time they attend a movie premiere for free.


By the time I catch up with a joke format, I’m like a baker trying to sell yesterday’s doughnuts.


I find it really annoying that eating food doesn’t heal wounds like I was led to believe as a kid. Damn Nintendo.


Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.


You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.


ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.


Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct



Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe

USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks


[First day working in an optometrists]

Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.

Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?

Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol