50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
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Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.