Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.

I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.

“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB

1900: Let’s filter coffee.

1950: We need to filter cigarettes.

1970: We should really filter water.

2015: I want to filter my face.

Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse

If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.

Carry on floating head selfie chick.

Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.

The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.

My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..

One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.

I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.

Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.

Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school

I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?

Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.

just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back

You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.

Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.

THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.

I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill

Loyalty is very important for my wife…

My girlfriend doesn’t care.

Funny how different sisters can be! 😜

why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me

Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this

Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no

If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.

My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.

Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer

There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her

You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.

If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?

hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused