50 shades of grey = my Liver
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Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY