50 shades of grey = my Liver
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My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
My friend asked if I had any spare cash to pay for his straw.
Unfortunately l hadn’t got the bale money
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
My work here is don’t.
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
7yo: Ewwww. Why are you playing that music? The 90s are gross.
Also 7yo: Check out this new cool song I found from Nsync. It’s my favorite, and you are gonna love it, bro.
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
dictator is short for richard potato
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
Not to brag but I clean my house once a year whether it needs it or not.
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
I came this close!!!!
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad