50 shades of grey = my Liver
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If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.