50 shades of grey = my Liver
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If you’re going to stare all night and not say hello, do you mind taking your fingers and squishing my head from across the room?
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
i have a mamma skunk with babies living under my deck so don’t talk to me about moral dilemmas
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
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When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
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Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
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the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on