Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.

You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.

Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.

Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.

*click

A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.

One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together

The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.

Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.

My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.

in other news congrats to my therapist for securing a 4 year contract with me

I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.

annoying that i have to flush three times to get rid of all my billiard balls

Batman V Superman 2:

Both men agree their last battle was too destructive

They settle their differences by playing Uno

Loser leaves earth

Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.

I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.

God making man in his image was the original selfie

Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.

I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.

Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”

And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”

me: *holding bowling ball*

friend: going bowling?

me: nope— playing enormous marbles

After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.

She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.

I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.

I’ve watched so many docuseries about cults lately, I think I would be good at it, you know, as a member. Honestly, cults look like a blast at the beginning and middle just before all the crimes start.

[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes

I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.

Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.

[war]

COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat

DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war

If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend

If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”