@MattRundle

’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.

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@notacroc

INTERVIEWER: what makes you different?
ME: *begins levitating*
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
ME: *whispering to my pet chameleons* nice work guys

@danielvisme

Her: I just read this really funny thing on FB.

Me: No you didn’t.

@MauriceBlitz

I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”

@TheCiscoKidder

A fine piece of art is like a fine piece of ass, I don’t understand either one but I want to take both home and mount them against the wall.

@PatsATweetin

vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian

every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish

@Diane_7A

The closest I’ve come to being an athlete is using Adobe Acrobat.

@shutupmikeginn

“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad

@BitchyJasmine

‘If u insinuate that I’m fat again, I’m leaving you!’ ‘Don’t be selfish, think about the baby.’ ‘What baby?’ ‘Oh, so you’re not pregnant?’

@Leemanish

“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”

@rickolantern

My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.

But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.