’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
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Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.