’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.

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INTERVIEWER: what makes you different?
ME: *begins levitating*
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
ME: *whispering to my pet chameleons* nice work guys


Her: I just read this really funny thing on FB.

Me: No you didn’t.


I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”


A fine piece of art is like a fine piece of ass, I don’t understand either one but I want to take both home and mount them against the wall.


vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian

every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish


The closest I’ve come to being an athlete is using Adobe Acrobat.


“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad


‘If u insinuate that I’m fat again, I’m leaving you!’ ‘Don’t be selfish, think about the baby.’ ‘What baby?’ ‘Oh, so you’re not pregnant?’


“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”


My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.

But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.