@MattRundle

’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.

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@Aspersioncast

Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?

@AimeeHelene1

Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.

@Divergentmama

CDC: clean commonly touched surfaces
Moms everywhere: we don’t have to worry about wiping down the dishwasher

@SirEviscerate

Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.

@LeBearGirdle

Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss

@FredTaming

bartender: the usual?

me: you know it

bartender: [throws me thru window]

@JohnMayer

If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”

@tsm560

I was all set to seize the day but this anti-seizure medication is a lot stronger than I thought.

@Mytwoscentz

I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum

@samuelhlowe

The best way to return any clothing left at your place is to do a drive-by with a t-shirt gun on her wedding day.