Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
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Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
CDC: clean commonly touched surfaces
Moms everywhere: we don’t have to worry about wiping down the dishwasher
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
I was all set to seize the day but this anti-seizure medication is a lot stronger than I thought.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
The best way to return any clothing left at your place is to do a drive-by with a t-shirt gun on her wedding day.