Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.

i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars

{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?

A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you

Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire

Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?

The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.

[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed

[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER

If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?

One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇

[One hour past bedtime]

[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!

Me: YES?

3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.

Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.

3:

Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.

Dr: (knocks on door before coming in the room)
Me: Pooping

Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish

Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”

Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”

Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”

Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”

I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.

I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.

Me: is everything ok you seem distant

Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars

I am so honored to have won the “Workplace Menace” award. This award is given annually to the Workplace Menace. Also I am not employed here

*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?

Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?

the question “how is work” really pisses me off😭. work is work bro, idk what else you want me to say

I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE

Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer

we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”

My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”

[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah

Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.

I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.

Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?

*holds out hands*

Me: I brought you a box of donut.

Parent teacher conferences in college:

Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life

Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.