Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.

my astrological sign is a french fry

I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.

*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-

*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*

ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace

Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.

Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.

Interviewer:

Me: And neither wears pants

Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.

I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.

I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.

Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow

How long do you have to wait between naps?

“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”

caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!

hamster: finally!!!

Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?

Hockey puck:

I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings

The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.

If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.

FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.

Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.

they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be

Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.

Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…

So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.

Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?

Dear parents,

Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.

Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul

My therapist: no

Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.

Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.

I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?

God I hate condescending assholes!

(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)

Wanted:

Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.

If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room