Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do

Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.

[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.

My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈

ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something

[Later on date]

ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?

For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.

If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.

The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.

“Failure is how you grow.”

– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote

I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”

‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.

I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.

Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you

Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”

[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog

I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.

[olive garden]

waiter: when you’re here you’re family

me: cool can I borrow some money

waiter: please leave

72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.

Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.

there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry

Doctor: you look awful

Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!

Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?

[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot

You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?

I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.

Who called it a deep freeze instead of ice-o-lation?

How to unravel a sweater…

A thread 🧵

*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect

A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,

“Hello. I sell doorbells.”

Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.

I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.