Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.

If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.

I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.

I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.

With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.

nobody:
my fish before I fry it:

Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Hopefully, on paid administrative leave.

Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?

Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.

Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.

The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am

[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?

Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.

Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.

[Murderer breaks into my house]

Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”

Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.

If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.

The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.

Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.

Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.

friend: our baby was a surprise

me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how

TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times

Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group

this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad

My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.

If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.

My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”

Holy shit, I married my father

Cat is stressing him out.

My 6-year-old has recently decided his chicken wings need to be eaten with a fork & knife.

I told him to eat with his hands like usual since he was clearly struggling, and he said, “Mom, I’m older now. Why are you trying to make me eat wild? Like a wolf?”

Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”