50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
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The three genders.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
I just tried to groom my dog myself, and I now fully understand why the dog groomer charges more for a haircut than my own stylist.
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
LOL
I went to a job interview, and it didn’t go well.
How was I supposed to know HTML doesn’t mean how to make lasagna?
I mean, I don’t know how to make lasagna either, but they didn’t know that.
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
unbelievably distressed by this ad
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.