50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
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Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
what do you want
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
yes, national anxiety is high, but at least it also gets dark at 4pm
Found the book “How to solve half your problems.” So I bought two of them.
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
I am yelling
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car