Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”

Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*

[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]

Ahhhh, there it is…

Wife: Get off of me!!

My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it

Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.

Me: This isn’t going to work out.

College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.

Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.

Hurricane Diary

Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster

Day 2)I am out of snacks

text from my dad when lebron broke the record

JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?

ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct

Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird

My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.

#WorldWaterDay

Darth Vader wanted to kill Solo but didn’t have the necessary Han die coordination.

#StarWarsDay

me: i can’t remember my password

my brain: how about an embarrassing memory

Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively

I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.

A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae

Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?

Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.

[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying

Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME

*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*

WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED

Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”

My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.

Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG

-me watching a toddler put shoes on

My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’

We’re over here teaching our kids math and history when what we really need to be teaching them is how to open a package or box of food without mangling it beyond recognition.

my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”

Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.

If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too