Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER

6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out

Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.

Hacker: I have all your passwords

Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.

A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb

I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?

*turns off comments*

[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.

Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.

Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret

ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses

Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..

VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine

Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”

[space station]

me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty

her: seriously?

me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that

Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.

Bidets will go down in the anals of history. There, I said it.

NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.

Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.

I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too

I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do

Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.

You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.

Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity

4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!

Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers

4:

Me:

4: Next time buy ones with candy in them

I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.

when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops

An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.

I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”

It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.

The more you know.

Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.

If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.

Wife: I’m leaving you

Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?

Wife:

Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want