50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
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Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
Get in the car. We’re either getting ice cream or committing arson. I’ll decide on the way
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
Reminder:
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
when someone dies in the hospital and they put a sheet over them that’s just bc they’re preparing them for being a ghost
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]