50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
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whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
Shout out to everyone who cooks at 180°C for 20 minutes, no matter what the instructions say.
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.