[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
You Might Also Like
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
How high do the levels go?
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
beware of dog
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
Just how popey was the pope today?
Flight attendant alerted us to a “birthday queen” coming down the aisle and asked everyone to clap for her. The woman next to me quietly said “That was weird.”
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”