[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
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ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
Not today, today.
Not today.
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google