[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
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reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
You miss 100% of the curbs you don’t take.
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
meanwhile over on facebook
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
Seems kinda suspicious
I think I’m having a stroke
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
a Classic™️that i have been reminded of..
Bros before Ohioes
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.