Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?

Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?

Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.

As someone who lost his pet worm at a RFK Jr event last year this is the worst day of my life

Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god

Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.

Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?

Me: Not to you

Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?

A2: I do.

A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.

A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?

A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”

Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?

*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.

Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job

Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus

Eat garlic.

Lots of garlic.

It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.

All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.

Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.

Me: How long have you had the other one?

I’ve seen:

•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo Dragons

But nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.

Go to another app where everyone is happy and nice to each other? Gross, why?

This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab

Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!

Interviewer: What skills do you have?

Me: Mind control

Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB

*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost

That’s not how days work.

I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes

Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.

Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.

Most Well-known Speeches:

1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln

2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King

3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist

Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.

We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.

Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.

Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon

I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”