[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
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It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
Alexa: *deep breath*
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
If my tweet gets more than ten likes, it’s a classic. If it gets fewer than ten likes, it’s a cult classic.
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo