Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.

What did YOU think I’m talking about?

Weirdos!!

Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.

Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.

Millennials: we share all of our feelings.

Gen X: feelings?

“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”

you stereotypes are all alike

The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.

OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners

you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management

I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.

When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”

ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!

ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!

ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter

[mcdonalds]

me: two marijuanas please

employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru

me: two McMarijuanas please

Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.

I ordered a pizza.

I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.

Is it free if it’s 5 years late?

I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.

Never mind, someone else just got on.

I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.

wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat

The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.

Me: When a door closes a window opens.

All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.

Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.

STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.

I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.

[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]

him: hey what’s up

me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4

Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear

Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.

Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency

My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.

I said it must be my weekend immune system.

Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?

Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.

Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?

wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote