Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Chief Wiggum, Springfield PD, here… they’re doing WHAT?

I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”

Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.

Judge: That’s my job!

So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..

when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”

Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.

Murder Hornets: ok boomer

Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.

[death row sitcom]

Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!

Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change

Sign: *APPLAUSE*

My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.

Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”

wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy

My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.

son: will you come do flips with me on the trampoline?

me: you know I make a sound when I get off the couch, right?

I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.

[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop

I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.

I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club

💁🏻‍♂️

I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!

How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people

Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off

Brussels sprouts were invented by big cabbage to sell little cabbages.

[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]

Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up

*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*

The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.

Love this one 😂🧟

interviewer: questions about the job?

me: how can I get suspended with pay

For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.