Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me when someone’s obsessed with me: yikes

me when someone’s not obsessed with me: wtf

My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”

“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”

“What?”

“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”

“What happened to the to?”

“It split.”

My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner

It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!

My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.

There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.

Yeah, I use She pronouns.

But not like a girl, like a boat.

Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.

– me as a marriage counselor

I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk

[Murderer breaks into my house]

Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”

You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.

I brushed my hair and put on mascara to go look for a tree. Sup trees, how YOU doin

I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.

Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.

Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*

Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.

I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”

At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.

I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.

Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.

Nobody:

South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up

In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.

Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.

Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise

Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.

*licks ice cream cone

Cone: I have a boyfriend.

“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!

The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.

why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE

Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.