[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
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In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
I’ve left my past behind me so if I owe you money sorry I’ve left it behind me
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
I went from rags to one rag.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.