Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.

I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.

My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.

Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.

We made a comic about a space heater.

DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!

(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)

Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty

Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!

(Line goes dead)

That second sandwich was a mistake.

– me, making a third sandwich

In the bathroom:

Me: *Meticulously manscapes*

Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”

[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone

[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how

This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.

Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.

She laughed and laughed.

Apparently so hard, she got a headache.

[shark tank]

“Hi, what’s your product idea?”

Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake

If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.

LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars

Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.

Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)

Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.

Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?

I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic

With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.

When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.

Opponent: I wish you luck

Me: Tha—

Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.

Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey

guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?

Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.

My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream

What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:

*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~

It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.

Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?

Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic

Teacher: 😐😐😐

When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”

My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen