Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?

Me: what do you want?

13: what do we have?

Me: the same things we always have

13: like what tho

When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around

Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.

Now I just hate yours.

[two astronauts in space station]

“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows

Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”

Me: “Literally just name one.”

*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”

No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.

!!!!!!!!!!!

*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*

You’re free now

[ opening music ]

scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus

everyone: lol

[ roll credits ]

My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship

You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.

[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]

Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast

the antelopes: wait, the what now?

The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.

The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.

Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs

I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?

I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.

Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”

Translation: They’re staring straight at me.

Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”

Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.

Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.

CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…

Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP

I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?

My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!

You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.

I…do not understand how electricity works.

*starts new diet*

“Do not drink caffeine”

*ends new diet*

Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts

I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.

[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common

Twitter fine art