Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

that’s me in the corner, that’s me using Microsoft Word, losing my revision

Buying In Bulk

In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month

In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight

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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
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Hi

Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?

Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on

Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.

I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry

People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.

Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.

I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.

The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.

Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.

HIM: And a trillion dollars.

GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.

HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.

GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?

HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.

GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.

I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.

Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.

Just not with each other, obviously.

(First date with a Chinese girl)

Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?

Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…

there was an aquarium projector in the MRI today and they had to pause the scan twice to say “please stop moving your head to watch the fish.” i am 31 years old

Only you can prevent podcasts

[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind

“How funny would it be if we made the packaging hard to open on a regular day, but nearly impossible if you’re bleeding out?”

– makers of band-aids

Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”

strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt

Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.

I was doing a family shoot and asked the kid (8) to step out the frame so we could get a shot of the parents kissing. The dad is kissing the mom and the kid goes ‘it’s been a long time since I’ve seen them do that’

Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.

You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner

My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover

Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.