Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*road trip*

husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car

husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*

Next time someone slides into your dm asking for a pic send a pic of your bills
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GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!

ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something

Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?

Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.

Mine has been gone 6 years.

Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.

*on the phone*

Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.

Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.

M: How long will it be?

H: Uhh, a foot?

M: …

HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .

Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??

Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.

Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.

Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?

Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?

I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.

After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.

Oh wait I made them too.

One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”

How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?

The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.

My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.

I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?

Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?

I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.

My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.

if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40

My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position

Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.

I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.

“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee

“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door

[First Date]

Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting

Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too

ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces

ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri

Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.

Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.