Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.

Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.

Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE

Before a PhD: I don’t know.

After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.

Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.

Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.

*never gets laid again*

Today’s Times

Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!

hey just a psa for no reason in particular but if you get too close to those wacky inflatable tube guys on a rainy day they can and will wetly slap you in the face. in front of people you were hoping to impress

it definitely didn’t happen to me of course in case you thought th

(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)

them: what are you think-

me: FOOD

Me: What do you think about that?

Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*

5 minutes later

K

My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.

At conference w/ teacher

Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?

Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio

7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio

Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma

7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!

Teacher:

Me: what? That’s how I learned it

#Dadlife

I bet the guy who invented pants wasn’t even wearing any pants when he invented them.

Kid: I want pancakes.

Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.

Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?

If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.

Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?

HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS Ｔｈｅ Ｃｏｌｏｓｓａｌ Ｐｉｌｌａｒ ｏｆ Ｗａｓｐ Ｅｇｇｓ LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS

Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.

Must have been so hard for our ancestors to find out which mushrooms were edible and which weren’t. “Sure, the brown one was delicious but the orange one killed Steve so idk about that stew, Jeremy“

*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*

Delicious if literal: Gravy boat.

You Matter.

Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.

Then you Energy.

4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.

Me: How do we do that?

4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”

I might be raising Elmer Fudd.

my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you

me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden

Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?

*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played

Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?

Do strangers call to pay my bills?

And if they do, why don’t you let them?

I milked the cow

“We don’t have a cow”

the neighbors’ cow then

“Their cat?”

Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo

“Meow”

Ah shoot

That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.