Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.

– factory defect men’s underwear

“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”

the bartender:

Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.

*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*

•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive

*JOB INTERVIEW*

INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.

I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.

“Eat right and exercise?!?…

I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”

“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that

I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!

*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*

Other people: I should put that back where it belongs

Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it

When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.

9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?

My co-workers found out when my birthday is so now I need to find a new job

Hey. Remember in the first grade when we were all just chilling then some kid would throw up out of nowhere

I made a risotto 4 years ago and the kids refused to touch it. In a rare moment of genius I said its not a risotto it’s “cheesy rice stew” which they liked the sound of and devoured it. Still make it to this day and I can’t wait until the day they figure out they’ve been duped.

If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor

On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.

*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*

I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.

earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on

What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.

Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.

Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY

God: you’ll be man’s best friend

Cat: nah

God: wh-what

Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*

Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu

God: ok you have a point

Dog, to cat: ilove-

Cat: *swats nose* no

*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*

[First day as a fighter pilot]

*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*

[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true

Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscape

Be like Mario.

me: i need to make a follow up appointment

receptionist: ok how about 10 next tuesday

me: no i only need one

While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.

There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.